Communication Training

The next morning, I woke up at five sharp. I was excited to reach the office to begin a new inning in my life. Obviously, I was thinking about a lot of things that could happen on the second day, but I never anticipated what happened on the second day of my job.

The company transport cab reported at six in the morning at my doorstep. I boarded the cab wondering why I was supposed to report so early in the morning. I used to live a good twenty kilometers away from the office and my shift was supposed to start at eight. Even in the worst case, I would have reached office by seven-fifteen! Anyway, I boarded the cab.

Inside the cab, the driver handed me the 'cab roster'. One glance at the roster made it clear why I was supposed to board the cab so early in the morning. Apparently, every cab was supposed to pick eight employees, and I was the first pick up. Darn! Was this supposed to happen everyday? I mean I was not even potty trained for this schedule!

I was new in Delhi. As such, I had no idea where the other freaking pickups were located. The cab driver was looking at me hopefully, as if I was going to direct him to the next pickup. I politely said I am new and he would have to find the pickups on his own. This, as I would realize later (and use to the full possible extent), proved to be a very good tactic. Confusing the cab driver and taking him for a ride always had its benefits. Here, I must introduce a term: Transport delay, or Tardy (pronounced as taar-dee). Tardy was a fool proof excuse for reaching office late without anyone asking any questions.

But this was my second day. So no tardy on this day. I was too innocent to use tardy on this day! But later I ceased to be innocent. Lets come back to the second day.

The driver, as it turned out, was quite experienced in finding out the remotest possible address in south Delhi and report at the employee's doorstep in time. Hummm... nice. Seven pick ups later, and after roaming through the entire south Delhi, we were finally en route to the office. The driver made full use of the empty morning roads. The problem was that they were Delhi roads. Every now and then the cab would jump off the road and throw us in the air, and then we would crash down on our seats with a ball-crushing thud. Girls were better off (I think). This ritual, I think (I still do), did some funny things to my digestive system, besides giving me a ridiculously flat ass. I was tempted to ask my cabbies if they were undergoing the same phenomenon. The driver was speeding beyond one-hundred kmph. The cab felt like an airplane about to take off but couldn't because of the potholes. The cab would appear to a passer by as a horrendous rabbit hopping full speed. Surprisingly, this did not dent the driver's (who... pilot?) ambition to reach office thirty minutes before eight.

A recent study was focused on sexual dysfunction in call center employees. And we are talking about rabbits! Did anyone checked the drivers?

We reached office at seven-thirty am. I thanked the driver for giving me a ride of my life and moved into the cafeteria. Coffee was not required after the spanky ride to the office. I was just looking around to find a face I could recognize.

'Let me guess, you were spanked too?', asked Naina, suddenly popping out from somewhere. I replied,' Yeah, what do you know. But I think I enjoyed it.'

'I kind of knew you were the kinky type', she replied. 'Well, kink is an understatement. After all I have met you!', I said.

'Don't start in the morning,' she said.

Suddenly, I felt like coffee wouldn't be a bad idea after all. I said,' Hey Naina, care for a cup of coffee?' She said,' Yeah, you can bribe me with coffee.'

I closed my hanging mouth and was about to say something when she said,' Forget it, lets just focus on coffee.'

Smart girl. I'll have my chance anyway.

At the coffee shop, a sweet five-feet-two-inches-something girl was engaged in a sweet conversation with the barista. The conversation was going too sweet and there was some mechanical sweetness in the girl's voice that was drawing us to her. She was wearing a crease-less trouser with crimson fitting top with those full-yet-half sleeves. Her posture was a bit too erect, which gave me an impression that she was trying to make up for her height. Her hair were heads-and-shoulders perfect straight and shiny. She had this beautiful news-reader voice, and the choice of her words combined with her voice had a drug-like effect on me. She was trying to order a coffee.

Girl: You know what, I feel like coffee, obviously not like coffee as in I am coffee, but I feel like drinking a hot steamy frothy cup of hard brewed cafe.
Barista: Sure ma'am, what would you like me to serve you with?
Girl: I dunno, how about some latte, you know, a big and large latte. I prefer my morning cup to be a big one.
Barista: Well ma'am I certainly don't have a big on-er-cup for you, but I would brew a nice cup of cappuccino. Its large enough for the morning!
Girl: Aww, that is so sweet. Cappuccino will be perfect, thank you.

The brista started making coffee with trembling hands. Naina and I looked at each other as if contemplating the same thing. I said, 'Wow, that was so sexy!'. Naina replied, 'Yeah, it was. I was aroused!'

The girl, being sweet as she was, came to us for introductions. 'Hi, I am Pooja. I have been hired for the technical stream. what about you guys?'

I said,' Hi, I am Shashank and this is Naina. We are in the technical stream too. This is our second day here.'

'So, you guys have ordered your coffees?'

'No, we were just deriving orgasmic pleasures from your voice.' Naina immediately changed the topic and asked her if she was excited about the communication training. She said she was, took her coffee and left.

'You tactless idiot, you pissed her off. She was a sweet girl.'

'Yes I know. I was just being honest.'

'Honest? You seriously don't expect me to laugh on that, do you?'

Yep.

We got our cappuccinos and went to the training room assigned to our group.

We were a group of four girls and five boys. All curious to meet each other.

Rohit and Sameer were two inseparable friends who, according to them, had decided to do everything in their lives together. So they decided to do their first job together and joined the same company. Rohit was this round faced plump guy who had a never-ending expression of naughtiness on his face. He was always looking to divert almost every conversation into one direction - you know what. Sameer was this six-feet-two-inches tall guy who was un-proportionately slim. He had skinny legs and arms, but a pot-belly and a ridiculous double-chin. Surprisingly, I later learned that girls used to find him cute!

Kunwar Jeet was a Sikh just out from Punjab. He was a typical heart-throw lover who used to fall in love with every single girl that used to cross his way. In fact, he even decided about the name of the kids and their school the moment he saw a girl! He didn't even spare the cleaning ladies.

Nidhi was a bespectacled and confused girl who was too homely and cute to be working. She appeared to me as the perfect house-wife material. She was short, slim, covered to the neck, curly hair, flat shoes, and had a bunny handbag. She had an air of smugness around her that gave an impression that she was contend with her life the way it was. Well, that's good.

I was about to pull the chair next to Naina when I decided against it and instead sat on the next chair. Suddenly, Deeptee came from nowhere and sat in between Naina and me. I said, 'Hi Deeptee.' She replied, 'Hey how are you? Did you sleep well last night? How has been the morning so far? You know I am soo excited to be here. I even had a dream in which I saw all this. You were in my dream too!' Ohh really? Tell me what I was doing. 'Hi Naina, my name is Deeptee. Whats your name? Oops! I just said your name and then asked your name. Silly me.' Yeah, really silly, at least you got that one right! 'So what are you guys doing here?'

Naina was becoming more and more pissed with each question thrown by Deeptee. I was wondering how many questions would make her snap. She was making this weird expression as if she was watching Abhishek Bacchan deep-throat Ajay Devgun. Apparently the last question did it for her. She said, 'What are we doing here? Um mm, lets see... well I am thinking why on earth I am actually answering these questions when I know perfectly well that I can be on a date with Brad Pitt. Shashank here is thinking what to put in your mouth to make you gag so that you can stop. We both are thinking whether its a good idea to jump out of the window as the blabber seems to be never ending.'

A normal girl would have cried after this. But Deeptee, being her, caught the remotest end of Naina's sentences, and told me, 'I am pretty experienced. I will not gag!'

I would have loved to say something corky here. But, as always, at the precise moment, the door of the training room opened. Suddenly, everyone fell quiet. Sherry, our communication tainer entered the room. Her hair were falling on her face as if she was just out of a storm. She entered into the room looking fairly windy. It was a classic filmy setting. Some smoke in the background would have augmented her entry.

Sherry was a plump and pinky lady with a never-ending smile and an ever expanding physique. Her eyes always bore an expression as if someone has just startled her. That day, she was wearing a sort-of frock that was, simply put, in tatters. Probably Armani. She had loose hair and a nice cleavage. She was carrying a big folder with a lot of papers and some sort of spiral-bound books.

Sherry introduced herself to all of us and asked us introduce ourselves with an adjective that should start with the same letter as our name. As an example, she said, 'Simple Sherry'.

'Sample Sherry' rather.

Here's how the introductions went:

Pretty Pooja.
Nasty Nidhi. Really? How Nasty??
Kool Kunwar.
Nice Naina. Numbing Naina rather.

Daring Deeptee. (I was about to ask her if she was a transsexual, but it was my turn).

Sexy Shashank. Encore...

Safe Sameer.How Safe?
Rowdy Rohit.

'See, that was a nice exercise! Now we all know each other ', said Sherry. She then distributed the spiral books to all of us. They were exercise books containing grammar tips and sound drills. Now this was an interesting concept. Sound Drill.

Sherry started our session by explaining us how to modulate our voices to 'neutralize' our accents. We should pronounce 'modem' as modumm and not maudum or modamm.

This clarification made me think of a lot of words that I feel I pronounce in the wrong manner. For example, Massachusetts, Vallejo, Donkey ( its Daunkey and not Dunkey), Monkey (its Munkey and not Maunkey), and so on.

Then came the sound drills...

Sound drills were exercises meant to remove the mother tongue influence from our voices. How that is done is still not clear to me, but performing the drills in the training was a perfect example of how reckless the companies can be when it comes to spending money.

The first sound drill was the Tuh-Tuh drill. This drill was designed to neutralize the hard 'tuh' into a soft 'tuhh'. Sherry told us that each one of us will stand and say tuh tuh tuh... till we die.

Somehow, I was the chosen one to start this riddiculous exercise. I said, 'Do I really need to do this?' Sherry replied, 'Yes sweetheart you do.'

Darn.

I started... tuh tuh tuh tuh tuh tuh......

After five minutes of tuh tuing I refused to go any further. I was red with exauhation. It was Sameer's turn next. Somehow, his tuh's sounded seriously twisted.

We needed a serious break! thankfully, Sherry was pretty generous when it came to breaks. In fact, she used to treat us with lattes every now and then at the coffee shop downstairs.

After a week of tuh tuing (and lots more, such as duh duhing and puh puhing), we started tuhh tuhhing instead of tuh tuing. I still believe it was out of pure exhaution and breathlessness.

Another important 'neutralization' that I learned in the training was the rolling-of-R's.

Sherry told us that we need to roll the R's in the words so that we can be understood by our customers.

For demonstrating how we were speaking after the end of our communication training, I will write the next line in 'neutralized' accent.

Sherrry ensurrred that therrrr is enaufff neutrrrallizaaation in ourrr accents sou that the khustuhmers khud udderstand us withaaout any praablems.

By the end of our fifteen days of communication training, we were ready to talk our way out of tight spots, weird situations, drills, role-plays and numerous other things. Sherry told us that we will become good agents.


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Next Post: Process Training

The Wonder Year... the first day!

I can never forget the year I had spent in one of my first jobs. My job in a call center!

I came to Delhi from a small town to make my living. The story is same here - small town boy coming to a metro looking for a job (and a girlfriend), not acting though! India was undergoing its IT Boom, and the moment I shifted to Delhi, I was absorbed in this boom. I got a job in one of the biggest outsourcing hubs of India. Just imagine my happiness! I got a job on practically the second day in Delhi and that too in one of the biggest companies! My happiness knew no bounds.

My first day at job was called 'induction'. Induction into the company that is. I still remember everything as it happened. I reported to the company at 9:00 am sharp, only to eventually wait for another two long hours for the transport that was gonna take us to the hotel where the 'induction' was actually happening. The 'transport' incidentally was a lineup of rickety cabs without air conditioning. Imagine cooking yourself in April heat in a cab packed with 8 people apiece. Microwave anyone?

Surprisingly, I was not at all perturbed by all this. After all it was my first job!

The induction was planned at this newly developed banquet hall. Well, to be honest, I dunno if I could call it developed. I mean the whole city was going this dramatic modification (it still is). Everywhere you could see construction and more construction and more...

Anyway, coming back to my induction, it was a great day for me. Not because there were these hot sushmita-sen-meets-halle-berry HR ladies giving lectures on the podium. Not because there was this amazing food that was making me hungry. Not even because there were about two hundred air-hostess type girls moving around as if half-drunk. It was a great day for me because I met some people that day, people with whom I was gonna forge ties, forge friendships of a lifetime.

We were all segregated into two groups: techies and non-techies. I was in the techies group. Apparently, we 'techies', as we realized painfully, were left with just about ten girls. But all of them were in my group. So I wasn't worried.

Then came lunch time. Lunch was a welcome change as, I would realize later, it was going to change my outlook for a good part of my experience in this organization.

I was one hungry employee that day. In Ronald Weasley's words, I could have eaten a Hippogriff! But I was not the only one with a rumbling stomach. As it turned out, we 'techies' were a hungry lot. Dig in...

After taking my platter (it was a buffet lunch) I was looking for a place to eat. I was instinctively drawn towards this group of chattering people. It seemed that there was an interesting conversation going on there. At the center of this conversation (and the group) was a girl. Her name was Naina.

Naina was like a sultry you-don't-mess-with-me girl who was fending off comments with uncanny replies that became so typical of her. She had a slapstick comment ready up her sleeve even before someone asked a question! She was dressed in a white shirt with half-sleeves, plain jeans, and sandals. Her hair were tied in a loose pony tail - the sign that she did not really care about appearances. There was a permanent air of admirable elemental rawness that surrounded her. This demeanor gave her a cool look, but was also a warning sign that said - 'In your dreams sweetie. Better luck next life.'

I remained a mute observer for quite some time. However, it would have been prudent not to join this conversation. She was talking about something that I was not listening to. I just wanted to join the conversation to confront her.

I had read somewhere that to prove a point to a girl, you first agree to whatever the girl says, engage her in a nice chat, and then slowly reveal that whatever she is saying is horse crap. Of course not that blatantly. Say it in a manner that she will never realize that you are telling her that she is a post-morphoial nincompoop. I call this the first law of conversation.

The problem with Naina was that she was not your usual girl. I mean she was a girl in a strict technical sense, but she was not from Venus. My corollary, after knowing Naina for about five years now, is that she was dropped on Earth (I have strong reason to believe that probably dianosaurs disappeared the day she was dropped, and was a public holiday) form a hitherto unknown part of Andromeda galaxy.

'You know, I don't know why is everyone so excited to be here. I mean come on people, its just a job! Everyone has to work some day. Everyone knows that this day will come. So why all the hoopalah? Get a life everyone', said Naina. I was getting a hang of what the conversation was about. Some guy obviously told her that he was excited to be here. Poor guy. Now was the time to apply the first law of conversation. 'I agree', I said. 'I think everyone should know it by default that this day is here, and so deal with it point blank.'

' I think you are undermining the sense of euphoria that the first day at job brings along. How can you be so crude?', said Naina.

What the flip! This was not supposed to happen. There goes the first law of conversation!

I immediately went through a lot of feelings. I don't know if it was the incredulous look that I was giving her because she just countered herself, or the dumb looks the group of people were giving her not knowing if they were following her, or her ability to completely ignore all this and raise her eyebrow towards me and daring me to mess with her that made me say what I said.

'I think you will look better if you let down your hair a bit, if you know what I mean', I said.

Ha! Counter that you I-will-refute-everything-you-say girl. I was almost elated when she, as if knowing what I was trying to do, replied, 'You know, you look kind of cute. Too bad I already have a boyfriend.'

WOW! This was one hell of a girl. In just one statement, she took me through the roof and threw me face down on concrete! I have to be honest here. It was damn sexy!!

I am sure that this conversation would have become more interesting, but we were called back by the Cynthia-Nixon-in-a-Sari lady as the lunch time was over. But I was not to be put down. I had a bleak vision of what the future had in place for me.

Back in the induction room, it was time for a movie. I had my hopes high as I thought I would get to know about the company's history, its path to success, the top level management, so on and so forth. What I didn't knew was that the so called 'movie' was nothing but a blabber from the current CEO that went on for a painful eternity. I would have fainted out of tearful boredom and after lunch drowsiness, but something happened.

Enter Deeptee.

Deeptee was this perpetually flustered fast speaking and unnecessarily sweet girl who was looking for a place to sit and end up sitting next to me. She had this mane of brownish straight hair that kept on sliding over her face. She was dressed in tight jeans with sneakers that gave an impression that she phreaps had landed in Delhi just this morning. She was making a scene out of arranging her documents. It went on something like this: She would see the movie, then, as if getting a cue out of the movie, she would check something in her file, then rearrange five or six documents, then very meticulously close her file, then go back to watching the movie, then taking another cue she would recheck something in her file... She was doing this with such a surprising speed it was making me dizzy. I had to stop her lest I would have had another reason to faint.

'Why don't you take a break?', I said. 'What do you mean?' she replied with a retort. 'We just had lunch! I think that was a good long break. The food was a bit oily though. Not that I care, I am already so thin! I mean look at me, I look like a holocaust victim!' I was expecting snorty laughter here, but thankfully it never came. She continued, 'Do you think I have gained after lunch? I do feel a bit heavy.' Yeah right, like I gain fifty kilos after every meal. 'But, I really am worried about my figure now that, you know, I am working n' all. I mean, I didn't even sprout breasts until I was eighteen!' What the flip! Did I ask? Do I even care? ' But I think I am pretty well endowed now. You know I am a Punjabi.' Yes I do. I am psychic. ' I have this perpetual fear that I have forgotten or left something important back home, that's why I keep on checking everything I have.' What! So you were not even listening to that guy in the movie? 'I am pretty well organized though. Uff these hair, I just can't manage them! You men are so lucky with short hair n all. Sometimes I wish I was a boy. Life would have been so easy.' Well you were a sort of a boy till eighteen...' I wonder how long this guy is gonna speak in this movie, I mean hellooo, don't you get tired of speaking?' Are you actually saying that lady? ' I think I'll have something now, do you want...'

'We are now starting the account opening process, so I want your complete attention', said the HR lady. God bless her. She was like a much needed messiah who made Deeptee stop her blabber. Deeptee had this amazing expression on her face as if someone just pulled her out of a spinning washing machine drum. She looked at the HR lady, and then at me, as if trying to tell me that it was my fault that the HR lady spoke. Whatever!

Okay, that was one hell of an introduction. Nice to meet you too lady I-don't-know-what-I-am-speaking.

The bank account opening forms were distributed by the HR people. We were divided into blocks, and each block had about five rows of seats. My block was managed by this lady who would have looked great if she was wearing black stilletoes with tight black leather pants with tight black leather top and a hunter. But she was dressed in this frolicky costume that was loose from all the wrong places and would have been augmented with an apron and a tray full of freshly baked cookies. She came towards me and Deeptee, with a smile that was telling me that she thinks we are a couple, gave us the forms, and said, 'you cuties ready to rumble?' Excuse me! 'What you have to do is fill in your name here, your address here, your contact details, blah blah blah.' 'All Right', we said together, as if to reinforce her hallucination. She said, 'Okie dokes then, I'll leave you love buds together', and then she tousled my hair. Yeah right lady, love buds my ass. We were more like brother and sister now, both with bad hair.

The first day was becoming more and more interesting.

Deeptee was making a complete scene of filling her form. She was asking questions like, 'What should I fill where it says NAME?' Fill out how my ass looks. I mean what possibly can you write instead of your name? She was in this constant process of writing a word when her hair would fall down, then she would tug them back, then write another word, her hair would fall down again, she would tug them back again...

As it turned out, Deeptee had a completely different set of documents with her than were required. She conveniently left her graduation and schooling certificates home and had documents such as her vocal competition certificates, and other 'important' documents. She gave a perfectly smug explanation saying that she never anticipated that her educational certificates would be required, and thought that she might meet her future 'boss' and tell him about her extra curricular activities.

She filled three forms as prototypes and filled the fourth form as the final one. All this time I was wondering if she suffered from OCD or if she had mad cow disease of if she is actually having an acute attack of paranoia!

The forms were collected back in a flurry and we were provided with our bank starter kits. These kits had the ATM cards and account chequebooks. 'All ATM cards are same except for their numbers. You can apply for another card if you want', announced the bank lady. Deeptee, instinctively asked, 'Hey, my ATM card is blue and white. How does yours look?' All cards are the same lady! 'What will the gold card do? What about the bronze one? Do you rekon I should go for the shopping card?' How the hell am I supposed to know? I am also new to this, remember?

I just couldn't help but give her dumbfounded looks just to help her incredulous stupidity sink in. She was actually outdoing herself in asking stupid questions when Naina suddenly appeared out of no where and asked, 'If you two love birds are finished, would you please pass the transport attendance sheet?' Okay! that was enough. I replied,' No, we are in the process of creating life. Right now, we are deciding the gender.' Fortunately, Deeptee was unable to decipher this. She was too busy filling the transport sheet. Naina said, 'there is nothing you can say that will gross me out.' I said, 'Don't challenge me, I was born with a hard on.' At this precise moment, some one's cellphone rang, ooooooooooooooooooo (the famous Himesh Reshamania song aashiq banaya aapne).

We both laughed, and laughed hard! This was our formal introduction. We shook hands, exchanged numbers, and acknowledged that the war is not over.

The announcer on the podium was announcing the team members of the various teams that were made for the communication training. Naina, Deeptee, and me were in the same team. 'Wow', I thought. 'This is gonna be fun.'

Filling the Transport sheet was the final task for the day. Phew, It was a long day indeed. And very challenging (sure)!

I boarded the cab (it was playing Himesh) and waited for my cabmates, or cabbies. Back at home, I was feeling very relaxed. I was thinking that, well, it wasn't so bad. I think I can sustain myself here.

The next day I was supposed to begin my communications training. Something that was totally new to me. I was excited. I was also excited to meet my new friends.

In the communications training, I didn't just met my new friends, but made a whole lot more!

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Thanks for reading this post. Do leave a comment if you like what you have read. I'd love to read your thoughts and reviews.

I am writing the next post currently and will update it as soon as it is ready.

Next Post: The Wonder Year... Communications Training